Irony

The thought occurs to me that since there is no purpose or meaning to this existence, except the existence itself, I therefore have no obligation to do or be any certain thing, which means I truly have no limitations on what I might do. I mean absolutely none. I don't have to spend time finding a purpose; 'cause the purpose is in the life itself. I don't have to fulfill a higher calling; because there is none. I don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations of me, including my own, since they're just stories that I was indoctrinated with or chose to believe. I don't HAVE to do anything, which means, I'm FREE to do anything. In fact, this has always been the case, but I could not see it.

This is a pretty cool realization. However, I understand that I still have fear in some areas (although less and less), so even though I'm realizing, "Hey, free-for-all!" I notice I don't do some things because I fear the consequences. For example, I don't drive 100 mph through downtown, because I'd rather NOT get a speeding ticket. Is it definite that I would get one if I did that. No, but I'm really not willing to take that chance. I mean, "Why?" It seems silly.

Fear included though, I sense that much of my life could still be lived with the free-for-all philosophy fully in force. There are several amazing things I can think of in this very moment that I have said I'd love to do. For one thing, I'd love to travel: Scotland (again), Italy, Africa, Alaska, the Alps, Turkey, the parts of the U.S. I haven't seen, etc. I'd love to perform again, both singing and acting; I've thought that Dolly Levi could be a blast to do. I'd love to just sling a pack over my shoulder and start walking, see where the road takes me. Or, load up the car and just go.

There's just one little glitch though; along with the realization that I am certainly free to do whatever the hell I want comes the question, "Well, great, why should I do that?" It used to be that I thought doing those things would make me happy. I'm finding out that "doing" in order to be happy brings pretty short-lived results.

At one time I thought doing those things would bring me a sense of accomplishment and make me feel connected to others; again, short-lived results, plus, I'm not feeling the need for that as much these days.

In fact, lately I've realized that most of the doing that I've done has been a way to escape from living the life that is right in front of me. I didn't like what this life looked and felt like, so I figured I'd just leave it. Leave it through traveling, moving from place to place, eating, drugs, smoking, eating, partying, performing, working, reading, eating, self-improvement, self-abuse, getting all involved in other peoples' lives, giving advice, eating; in other words, doing, doing and more doing.

So now I realize I can do whatever I want...really, I'm free to do anything, go anywhere; yet all the reasons I might have for doing anything are no longer valid. In fact, I can't think of ANY reason, in this moment, to do ANY of the millions of things my mind can conjure up, now that I know I have no shackles on me; which leaves me with no desire to do anything at all.

Ironic, isn't it?