Sunday, October 17, 2010

Not Taking It...

Yesterday I talked about the practice of letting the "ego hits burn me." Hah! What practice? All throughout today, I noticed, again and again, ego rushing in to defend itself, me rushing to take a position, make an argument, assert MY point of view, assert any point of view, just so "I" get heard and seen. It makes me sick, quite frankly. I just want to stop in my tracks and yell, "What the F*CK are you doing? Stop it? Stop, stop, stop!  Just finally stop, please! I'm begging you to stop."

My sister and I were having the kind of conversation that I loathe, simply because I find myself playing devil's advocate and taking positions that I don't even really believe in. I find myself getting involved, and it's not even something I want to do. I find myself responding--words coming out of my mouth--before I even know what's happening.

Why am I doing this?! All I can think of is that these layers of ego are so damn encrusted that even when I want to stop and just sit in the fire and burn, I don't, I can't...the habit to defend is too darn ingrained.

Maybe noticing that I do it so much is the beginning. Maybe noticing it and then telling my sister that I'm full of shit is a beginning. Maybe noticing it and not doing anything, but just letting my judgments of myself/ego burn is a beginning. God knows...I sure don't.

Maybe I'll start wearing a rubber band around my wrist and every time I fail to just sit there and take it, I'll snap the rubber band. Maybe THAT will help bring some awareness to my behavior. Maybe I'll invent a zipper for my mouth, so that I can't say anything. Of course, if I rush to defend against the ego hits even in my thoughts, I've already injected the novocaine.

My prayer tonight is please grant the awareness to recognize the ego hits and take them. And oh yeah; thanks for the fuel.

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