Friday, October 1, 2010

What Just Happened?

Wouldn't you know--after the upset of the last couple of weeks; suddenly, nothing. I woke up this morning and couldn't find any of the tragic, depressed, hangdog feelings that I'd been experiencing the last week or so.

The question I have is, "What just happened here?" It feels like I've been spit out; like I was deeply involved with some great mechanical process and suddenly the machine decided to spit me can't be part of this anymore.

Maybe what happened is that I finally gave up; meaning I gave up trying to wake up. I think of those beings I consider to be awake; ones that I've read about, heard about and talked to in my life, and I realized that NOTHING THEY did brought about this waking up. It just happened. Some were contemplatives, dedicated to waking up, and some were just people living their lives. But either way, the event itself, the happening, the waking up...not done by them. It seems to me, and rightly so, that nothing "I" can do (meaning ego) could bring this about. And that makes sense, since "I" cannot be the one to actually wake itself up. That would be death. What self-respecting "I" would do that?

I realized, too, that I've been wearing this "Seeker" persona for quite some time, and without it: Who am I? Who am I, if I'm not a Seeker; someone doing her best to make enlightenment happen? Someone doing her best to wake up? This seeking I'm referring to began a long time ago, the first time I read Wayne Dyer's book, Your Erroneous Zones. I honestly can't remember thinking there was anything I needed to change or find before then, and after I read the book, Bam! the Seeker was born.

Now, as I experience the falling away of this Seeker persona, I'm left with a huge feeling of non-being in a way. I notice the thoughts that ask, "Well, great--now what?" Like some other persona should rush in to fill the void. I'm not experiencing that happening, though, and although it feels lighter without the Seeker identification, it also feels uncomfortable; damn uncomfortable; like I've got a whole lot of extra skin and no body to put in it.

The oddest part about it is that it's like the Seeker persona just left; gone without a trace. It's getting hard to remember what it even felt like to live with it. The interesting thing is I can't say for sure that I'm not still moving toward waking up, because there's a focus toward that. Now though, it seems there is action without expectation that anything that's being done will make it happen. In fact, it feels like there really isn't anything TO do. This is it. This is the whole enchilada.

What's presenting itself now seems to be the ultimate in what I would have run screaming from even just a few days ago. I look at them and think, "But these are so mundane? These are not spiritual? You mean, THIS, finally is it? THIS is all there is? This is what it all boils down to?" It's so damn ordinary. Meaning I'm so damn ordinary. Not better than, not worse than, not distinct from, not unique.

It's interesting...I'll say that for it.

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