Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Kick-Ass Question

I was looking around on David Scoma's website Just Perception and came across a really kick-ass question; as in a question that is kicking my ass.

Why am I not being consumed and how [who?] or what is blocking that dismantling?

F*ck! That's what I've been wondering. Why aren't any of us being consumed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've read the books; we're not being consumed because of our egos, because of fear, because God is experiencing him/her/itself through us, because none of this is real and when we understand that, we'll wake up. That still doesn't answer the question. WHY? Why any of it? Why ego? Is there even really such a thing? I can't find it. And no one I know or have read or heard of can show me it exists. So, am I not being consumed because there is a belief in an ego? Because there is fear of letting it go? Then who is the one doing the fearing? Who is the one afraid to let go? If the Absolute is...then this is all the Absolute as well. Can't be different or it wouldn't be the Absolute. So, what's blocking me from being consumed? Perhaps nothing. Perhaps it's already happening. Perhaps it never doesn't happen. What if consumption is all there is, and it just goes unrecognized. One moment consuming the next in an eternal feast.

Maybe all that's stopping me from being consumed is the lack of recognition that it's already happening/happened. After all, what me is there to point to that could be consumed? There is no proof I can offer of me past tense. That one is gone, if it ever existed. There is no proof I can find of me in the future and really no proof of me now, since now is not provable. Despite claims to the contrary that now is all there is, I can't prove that now exists, because as soon as I say now, it's gone.

One reason I can think of for any block to this process would be the amazingly strong attachment I seem to have to this physical body. I can say all the things I just said and have an intellectual understanding of it, but I haven't realized any of it, not really. Why am I not being consumed? Because I'd have to be willing to lose everything; that's what consumption means. I'd have to be willing to lose my body, this physical shell, and right now, there seems to be a fond attachment to it. I guess I think that I somehow keep this body going. How foolish. No matter how much I will it, I have never been in control of this body. NEVER! It lives/exists in spite of me and will cease without needing so much as one jot of my permission.

And this too is a groundless fear, since my body is already being consumed all the time. Consumption is happening through bacteria, mites, insects, aging, digestion and elimination. More seems to show up though, so what's the fear? The fear is that the ultimate consumer, death, is one day going to show her pretty little face and then, Whamo! consumption on an apocalyptic scale (at least for the me I think I am). And what happens then? I don't know; and that is the fear that could stop me from being consumed.

Well, well, well...something to work with...let's see where it takes me.

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