What the Ego Demands

Came across these questions in a workbook; thought they were interesting. "Have we insisted on being the center of attention? Have we acted offensively just to be noticed? Are we afraid that we won’t be recognized or respected or loved? Do we fear that we won’t get our share or that we won’t be listened to? Do we push to be first in line? How has prideful self-centeredness caused us to act?" 

It's interesting answering these questions from the perspective that's here now, because it's like an anthropological study of the identified human. It's not that I still don't act in the same ways that I acted before, because that hasn't really changed all that much, it's that the story of WHAT was causing that and WHY I was acting that way is no longer there. 

The story that was cherished before was the story of "me." The story that there was a "me" and that this "me" needed to be cherished, protected, loved and adored. This "me" needed to be the center of attention--as all "mes" do--and that "I" needed to do anything within "my" power to make this all happen. Like Gollum with the Ring--as I consider what "I" used to be like, the picture comes to mind of how "I" would cradle this "me" in my hands, call it Precious and believe it was what was in control, what was in charge, what made things happen.

And just like Gollum, I would have and did do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make that "me" the center of attention; to make sure that "I" would be noticed--hopefully in a "positive" way, although "negative" ways worked if that's what was needed--"I" would be paid attention to, "I" would be petted and admired and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over.

Fear that I wouldn't get my fair share, especially of attention, or that I wouldn't be listened to ran the show, and that fear drove me to do anything: act the clown, talk louder than everyone else, make jokes at other peoples' expenses, drink, do drugs, sleep around, lie, cheat, steal, become violent, put others down, act condescendingly, act superior, act inferior, play second best, manipulate and most obviously, try to control, control, control--not only myself, but others and situations as well.

This is what the Ego demands.  This is what believing "I" am real, "I" exist does/did. 

I'm trying to be precise with this, because as I write it, I'm aware that whatever happened in the past was perfect, The Absolute, nothing out of place. So there's no belief that the behavior of then should have been any different or, for that matter, could have been any different. It was as it should have been, and it is fascinating to notice it and see if there is any change.

And, there is nothing now that is all that different in the makeup and personality of what is considered "me." The difference--if you could call it that--is simply that before the thought was, "I am doing this," and really believing "I" was the power and "I" could change, "I" could make it different, "I" could get that attention and these were the ways to do that.

Now, the thought of "I" doesn't resonate, has no reality. There is simply appearance: the appearance of an "I," the appearance of doing, the appearance of moods and personality. What that is, is simply All That Is. 

Doing/being without demand.