Monday, November 22, 2010

Free Flow

Life has become pretty exciting lately. Even so-called boredom is interesting. It's hard not to be excited by life, when you understand that you just don't know what will happen next.

Before, I used to walk around believing I knew what was going to happen next. I just KNEW--cause and effect. If I smile at this person, they will smile back at me. If I am nice to someone, they will be nice to me. If I yell at someone, they'll yell back. If I disagree with someone, they won't like me. If I turn the key in my car ignition, it will start.  Cause and effect. It's what we're taught from day one. If I do this, then this will happen.

Only that's not the way it is. There is no way to know what will happen next with any real certainty, because what will happen next isn't determined, until it happens. What will happen next, if anything, is determined in the moment that it happens.

Understanding this has made life very interesting, very exciting. It's all temporary, ephemeral, nothing I can hang on to. It's also completely unknown. (By "it" I mean everything.) I reach to turn on the light switch--will the light come on? Who knows?  Who knows if the light will come on, who knows how I'll react if it doesn't come on, who knows whether I'll actually get to turn the light on?

This understanding of the "free flow" of life makes life incredibly immediate. There's very little worry anymore about what will happen next. There's very little fear, and even if there is, that's okay, too. I'm now curious about it. What is it all about, will it last, what will replace it, if anything?

In the middle of this "free flow," is a freedom of action, a freedom of being. I find myself acting in ways that seem impossible to me even two months ago. I approach anyone on the street, for any reason. I ask any stranger any question. I walk up to cars, homes, people, businesses and just talk, ask questions. I am comfortable in any social situation; comfortable to be exactly as I am in each moment, even if uncomfortable or shy is how I am. Lately, I have been interacting with many Spanish speakers who don't speak a lot of English, and even though I don't speak much Spanish, I call them, I talk to them, I try to speak Spanish (and I don't do very well at it). AMAZING. Whatever I say, I feel fine about. I don't regret "my" actions, words, feelings. They are, and I am, exactly what is right; exactly what is needed, exactly perfect in each moment.

This is true for what is happening around me as well. All of Life is just as it should be, and I never know what that will look like, sound like, taste like, smell like, feel like. It could be my husband calling on the phone, my cat jumping in my lap, a woman stealing my parking space, getting lost in a rough neighborhood and asking for directions from everyone, sitting at home thinking, "I'm bored." I just never know, and that is tremendously, amazingly, deliciously exciting.

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