Thursday, November 4, 2010

A New Life?

So what do I do, now that I am no longer seeking.

I do what I did before, only now, it has no urgency. It has no meaning. It has no reason. It has no purpose. There is no need for me to do or not to do. There is, in fact, no "me" about it at all.

Oh, don't get me wrong. There are still thoughts of "me-ness." I still say, "I," "me," "mine," etc.  Just last night, I had a little hissy because Jason ate the last of "my" ice cream. But I just have to laugh at such outrageous thoughts. Really? MY ice cream? Really!?

I think I'm most surprised that life isn't different, although I have read in so many places that it wouldn't be; still, it isn't anything like what was expected. Life is the same, only with a twist. Now it is no longer "my" life. I don't own it. I didn't bring it into existence. It's not something I've been given. It cannot be taken away from me. I can't save it, ruin it, make it better, make it worse, mess it up, improve it...nothing. "I" have nothing to do with this life or the experience of it, or the reaction to it, AT ALL. Not possible.

Instead, there is the appearance of life--waking up, making and eating breakfast, greeting husband, petting cats, going to do some work, driving a car, shopping, dishes, etc. There is an appearance of doing.  There are "experiences" of emotions. There is conversation and ideas and thoughts, and yet, now, underneath, or perhaps infusing all of it, is this knowing that It is/I am/All are the Absolute. Nothing is not That.

Whatever is left "here" feels more like a residue. Kind of like what you see on your retinas after a flash bulb goes off, but then slowly fades away.

I remember "Natalie" and all the beliefs, feelings, thoughts, positions, ambitions, roles, identities, etc. that she thought she was, but I can no longer believe in "Natalie." Responses and reactions still occur that seem very Natalie-like, and yet, not so much and less and less as "time" goes on.

This "new" life is interesting.

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