What the Ego Demands

Came across these questions in a workbook; thought they were interesting. "Have we insisted on being the center of attention? Have we acted offensively just to be noticed? Are we afraid that we won’t be recognized or respected or loved? Do we fear that we won’t get our share or that we won’t be listened to? Do we push to be first in line? How has prideful self-centeredness caused us to act?" 

It's interesting answering these questions from the perspective that's here now, because it's like an anthropological study of the identified human. It's not that I still don't act in the same ways that I acted before, because that hasn't really changed all that much, it's that the story of WHAT was causing that and WHY I was acting that way is no longer there. 

The story that was cherished before was the story of "me." The story that there was a "me" and that this "me" needed to be cherished, protected, loved and adored. This "me" needed to be the center of attention--as all "mes" do--and that "I" needed to do anything within "my" power to make this all happen. Like Gollum with the Ring--as I consider what "I" used to be like, the picture comes to mind of how "I" would cradle this "me" in my hands, call it Precious and believe it was what was in control, what was in charge, what made things happen.

And just like Gollum, I would have and did do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make that "me" the center of attention; to make sure that "I" would be noticed--hopefully in a "positive" way, although "negative" ways worked if that's what was needed--"I" would be paid attention to, "I" would be petted and admired and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over.

Fear that I wouldn't get my fair share, especially of attention, or that I wouldn't be listened to ran the show, and that fear drove me to do anything: act the clown, talk louder than everyone else, make jokes at other peoples' expenses, drink, do drugs, sleep around, lie, cheat, steal, become violent, put others down, act condescendingly, act superior, act inferior, play second best, manipulate and most obviously, try to control, control, control--not only myself, but others and situations as well.

This is what the Ego demands.  This is what believing "I" am real, "I" exist does/did. 

I'm trying to be precise with this, because as I write it, I'm aware that whatever happened in the past was perfect, The Absolute, nothing out of place. So there's no belief that the behavior of then should have been any different or, for that matter, could have been any different. It was as it should have been, and it is fascinating to notice it and see if there is any change.

And, there is nothing now that is all that different in the makeup and personality of what is considered "me." The difference--if you could call it that--is simply that before the thought was, "I am doing this," and really believing "I" was the power and "I" could change, "I" could make it different, "I" could get that attention and these were the ways to do that.

Now, the thought of "I" doesn't resonate, has no reality. There is simply appearance: the appearance of an "I," the appearance of doing, the appearance of moods and personality. What that is, is simply All That Is. 

Doing/being without demand.

A New Life?

So what do I do, now that I am no longer seeking.

I do what I did before, only now, it has no urgency. It has no meaning. It has no reason. It has no purpose. There is no need for me to do or not to do. There is, in fact, no "me" about it at all.

Oh, don't get me wrong. There are still thoughts of "me-ness." I still say, "I," "me," "mine," etc.  Just last night, I had a little hissy because Jason ate the last of "my" ice cream. But I just have to laugh at such outrageous thoughts. Really? MY ice cream? Really!?

I think I'm most surprised that life isn't different, although I have read in so many places that it wouldn't be; still, it isn't anything like what was expected. Life is the same, only with a twist. Now it is no longer "my" life. I don't own it. I didn't bring it into existence. It's not something I've been given. It cannot be taken away from me. I can't save it, ruin it, make it better, make it worse, mess it up, improve it...nothing. "I" have nothing to do with this life or the experience of it, or the reaction to it, AT ALL. Not possible.

Instead, there is the appearance of life--waking up, making and eating breakfast, greeting husband, petting cats, going to do some work, driving a car, shopping, dishes, etc. There is an appearance of doing.  There are "experiences" of emotions. There is conversation and ideas and thoughts, and yet, now, underneath, or perhaps infusing all of it, is this knowing that It is/I am/All are the Absolute. Nothing is not That.

Whatever is left "here" feels more like a residue. Kind of like what you see on your retinas after a flash bulb goes off, but then slowly fades away.

I remember "Natalie" and all the beliefs, feelings, thoughts, positions, ambitions, roles, identities, etc. that she thought she was, but I can no longer believe in "Natalie." Responses and reactions still occur that seem very Natalie-like, and yet, not so much and less and less as "time" goes on.

This "new" life is interesting.