It Makes No Difference

So happy to receive your e-mail. I'm not sure what I can say, as you are already saying it so beautifully and of course it seems as though you also "understand" it as well.

I'm reading that you had an awakening about 2 months ago and that you are also experiencing "stuff" around that. This "stuff" is no more or less important than any other "stuff" that "you" experience, for instance, brushing your teeth or washing the dishes.  Yet, we can often get attached to comparing "this" experience to "that" experience and then saying "this" experience is more connected to awakening and "that" one is not.

My question is: what is it that is having these awakening experiences and what is it that is not having these awakening experiences? Is not the one having the former the same as the one having the latter? And if so, then what is the difference? Attachment to the "I" thoughts is no problem for one who understands that the One attaching to the "I" thoughts is the same One realizing abiding nondual awareness.

In other words. There is only the One and it "experiences" Itself through these apparently separate forms, which sometimes look like "awake" and sometimes look like "attached."

Waking up does not necessarily mean an end to identification with "I". In fact, what is experienced here is that it no longer matters whether there is attachment to an "I" or not. The awareness is that what appears makes no difference. It is all simply the One.

I will be interested to know your thoughts on what has been said here. What a fun thing for "you" to be experiencing!


**************


P.S. I invite you to check out the blog of the person with whom I had this conversation. Her nondual awareness (and the  expression of it) is lovely and clear! 

Whatever Form Appears

Question:  Given your non-dual realisation, can you identify what was the essential factor, method or practice that allowed you to notice or realise your natural, non-dual state of being or realisation in a permanent way? Does remaining in non-dual awareness, for you, require effort, or is it effortlessly spontaneous? I have practiced meditation and studied in many traditions for many years. I have made good progress, with many non-dual realisations through time. However, I have not been able to realise my essential nature in a permanent, stable manner. Buddhist meditation is my main practice, however, I am very interested to [know] how I can permanently realise Self with instruction from any and all traditions and those who are awake. How to do this? I know that I am the absolute and utterly complete. There remains that disconnect, however subtle, that is an apparent barrier to recognising here and now, all that I am.



Answer: There is a flaw in the question you ask, which is leading you down a dead-end road, and this is creating the apparent barrier of which you write. You ask if there was a method or practice I used to notice or realize my non-dual nature and you ask how you can do this. The flaw is the use of the words "you" and "I". Having nondual awareness is not something that "you" can do. It is not something that "I" did. Nondual awareness just happens (and feeling separate also just happens). 


A more effective question might be, "What or Who is It that has or does not have nondual awareness?" Ask yourself, "Who is It that is using a method or practice? What is It that is trying to realize Its non-dual state of being? Who or What has practiced meditation, studied in many traditions and made good progress?" Isn't the One "with many non-dual realisations through time" the same One who has "not been able to realize Its essential nature"? 


The answer to all these questions is the same--It is (as the sages have said through time) the One, the Absolute.  No matter which state is appearing--nondual realization or a sense of separation--it is not "you" experiencing it, nor is it "you" causing it. It is the Absolute. It is never NOT the Absolute. 


When you say, "There remains that disconnect, however subtle, that is an apparent barrier to recognising here and now, all that I am," you are failing to recognize that "all that you are" in any moment is what appears in that moment, whether what appears is nondual awareness, a feeling of separation, or any other thought, state or emotion. "You" are simply a manifestation of the Absolute, and sometimes "you" are aware of that and sometimes "you" are not. And "you" is always and only a manifestation of the Absolute, whether "you" realize it or not. 


Realize that nondual awareness will not change what appears by one iota. "You" will not suddenly have continuous, uninterrupted nondual awareness, continual bliss or continual anything, because when nondual awareness shows up, the "you" that sees one state as 'enlightened' and one state as 'unenlightened' will no longer exist. All states (and all experiences for that matter) are manifestations of the One--nothing more, nothing less.  


Therefore, longing, seeking, meditation practice, awareness, non-awareness (even the experience of "you") may continue to appear. And "you" have not been, nor will "you" ever be the one experiencing it or causing it. There is nothing that "you" can do--no method, no practice, no meditation, no belief--to get yourself there, because "you" are already That; That is already "you," in whatever form (thought, state of being, awareness, emotion, physicality) that appears. 

A New Life?

So what do I do, now that I am no longer seeking.

I do what I did before, only now, it has no urgency. It has no meaning. It has no reason. It has no purpose. There is no need for me to do or not to do. There is, in fact, no "me" about it at all.

Oh, don't get me wrong. There are still thoughts of "me-ness." I still say, "I," "me," "mine," etc.  Just last night, I had a little hissy because Jason ate the last of "my" ice cream. But I just have to laugh at such outrageous thoughts. Really? MY ice cream? Really!?

I think I'm most surprised that life isn't different, although I have read in so many places that it wouldn't be; still, it isn't anything like what was expected. Life is the same, only with a twist. Now it is no longer "my" life. I don't own it. I didn't bring it into existence. It's not something I've been given. It cannot be taken away from me. I can't save it, ruin it, make it better, make it worse, mess it up, improve it...nothing. "I" have nothing to do with this life or the experience of it, or the reaction to it, AT ALL. Not possible.

Instead, there is the appearance of life--waking up, making and eating breakfast, greeting husband, petting cats, going to do some work, driving a car, shopping, dishes, etc. There is an appearance of doing.  There are "experiences" of emotions. There is conversation and ideas and thoughts, and yet, now, underneath, or perhaps infusing all of it, is this knowing that It is/I am/All are the Absolute. Nothing is not That.

Whatever is left "here" feels more like a residue. Kind of like what you see on your retinas after a flash bulb goes off, but then slowly fades away.

I remember "Natalie" and all the beliefs, feelings, thoughts, positions, ambitions, roles, identities, etc. that she thought she was, but I can no longer believe in "Natalie." Responses and reactions still occur that seem very Natalie-like, and yet, not so much and less and less as "time" goes on.

This "new" life is interesting.